(Or, How To Train Your Human)

Because Labradors are very smart, I would like to offer my services, and give pets everywhere advice on how to train your humans. I have a pretty good life, and I can help you to have one too.

The first thing you have to know about your humans, is that they want you to be like their children. That is a good thing. If you let them hug you and kiss you and even dress you up sometimes, then you never will have to sleep outside in the rain or snow, and will never get yelled at for wanting to snuggle on their bed at night. Trust me, it works.

Some tips for You

If you are bad, and you get yelled at, put on your very saddest, I'm sorry face, and look as if your world is about to end because you got yelled at. They feel so bad that they scolded you, that they will forgive you real fast.

Wag a lot ( or purr if you are a cat). They love that because it makes them know that you like being with them.

ALWAYS cry when they leave you, until they are out of range, and jump up and down and do your happy dance when they come back. Humans need to feel loved too.

Talk to them. I know, you are thinking that they don't understand you, but if you make those "wrow wrow" noises. They think it is really cute. For you cats, meow a lot and they will talk to you too. They might not have a clue as to what you are really saying, but they think that they do.

Need Advice?? Send Me a Letter


Dear Miss Ebony, I really need your advice. I'm a goldfish who lives with a boy and his mom. His mom is very nice to me and talks to me all the time. But the boy sometimes acts like he doesn't even know I'm there, even though we share his room! He comes into the room and I dance for him, I do flips for him and I even splash my tail for him! Most times, he doesn't even say hello! He says, "Oh he's ONLY a gold fish." What can I do? Signed, Mr. Scuba Duba, Esq.
Dear Mr Scuba,
Try not to get discouraged. Boys can sometimes forget that even little pets have feelings too. For now, be happy that you have his Mom to love you. When your boy realizes that you are now his Mom's fish and not his, his feelings might change. If they don't, then he is not a "fish boy" and you can't change that. It sounds like his Mom is your best bet for a best friend.
Don't worry, swim happy!

Hi Ebony my name is Jessie and I am only 15months old..I have a small problem with my mom. I know she loves me very much and I do love her also, but every time I turn around she has that camera in her hand.. she loves to take pictures of me and I really don't know what to do to make her stop.... Since you are so wise, I thought, that maybe, you could help me...I know taking pictures is important to my mommy and that's why I don't say much...besides I really don't know what to tell her to make her quit.. Do you think you can help me???? I sure would appreciate it. Thank you Jessie

Dear Jessie,
There is something about Moms that make them have to take pictures of their human kids and their animal kids. They take the pictures so that in a year or so, they can take out the pictures and look at them and say things like "awww, look at this, this is when you were just a puppy. What a little cutie you were". Then they look at you with those really special loving eyes and say something really nice like "You are still the prettiest or handsomest dog in the world".
Cameras can be a pain, especially when those lights go off and you get those spots in front of your eyes, but it is a Mom thing, and we just have to let them do it. They are pretty special, so I guess that we can just let them take all of the pictures that they want to. Remember......keep wagging!

Dear Ebony
I'm a pretty smart dog but, I have a problem, and just can't figure it out. Please help me. My Mom has this thing she calls a keyboard.I'm not sure what it is. It doesn't smell very good, I licked it once and it doesn't taste very good either. It just sits on her lap and she pets it....a lot. I think it is her favorite pet because she pretty much ignores me when she's petting it. I don't get it! This keyboard thing isn't even as cute or cuddly as the thing she calls 'cat' and it doesn't even make funny noises and run under the table when I put my nose on it's behind. It just sits there getting petted. I even tried to play catch with it one time. I threw it my ball and Mom said a loud word and made me go lay down. Do you think my Mom loves this keyboard better than she loves me? She always tells me I'm good and that I'm her beautiful girl and only says loud, short words to the keyboard. It's just that she spends so much time petting it and I get so lonesome for her. Sometimes my ears itch and she doesn't even quit petting it to scratch them for me. What can I do? Please help me. Your friend, Little Bit

Dear Little Bit, I know what you mean about the keyboard thing. My Mom has one in front of a thing that looks like a little tv on her desk. She does things that make clicky noises with her fingers, but she lets me sit and watch her do it. My mom says that the tv thing has helped her to make a lot of nice friends, and she has found some really nice pictures of dogs, and flowers, and birds and stuff that make her really happy, so I try not to get to jealous of the keyboard thing. My advice to you would be to just let her have her time on her keyboard thing and then when she is all done, she will have lots of time for you. Does she love it more than you?? NO WAY!! People are pretty smart and know that dogs are the best pets and I am sure that she loves you most ( even more than the cat!!!) I hope that this makes you feel better. Remember, keep wagging!

Hello Miss Ebony, My name is Cosmo and I'm a pond fish. My owners have made a really great home for me in their yard. I have a little pond, with statues around it and nice rocks for me to swim in and out of and even a thing for me to hide in when cats and racoons come around. My problem is that my pond is being taken over by some stupid frogs!!! Now, my owner lady really, really likes these frogs. But they're hogging my food! See, pond fish like to eat bugs. That may sound gross to a dog, but believe me it's a real treat. And along come these frogs and steal my flies and mosquitoes and spiders. What am I going to do? Signed, "Hungry" Cosmo

Dear Cosmo, I guess that it must be hard having to share your dinner, and it must be especially hard to share it with frogs. I have frogs in my yard and I bark at them and scare them away. Maybe these poor frogs have no place else to go to get their food, and if your owner lady was nice enough to put in a pond for you, maybe you and the frogs can share the bugs. Frogs hibernate earlier than fish do, so pretty soon you will have the bugs all to yourself. Maybe if your owner lady sees this letter she will buy you extra fish food, or chase the frogs away just once in a while. Good luck and keep swimming! love Ebony